Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

The old gods are rising again.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Very good news from my accountant

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper