Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Sorted

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you