*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.