*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.