*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is