A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
These are my roll models.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Time for evil
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage