Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.