Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap