Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

🐟✨ #re4

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

This meeting could have been a cake

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

ㅤ

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Finished stitching this today 😇