Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

not to brag, but mine was free

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.