*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.