*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
You Might Also Like
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
This is my cat’s medicine.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.