Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.