[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
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Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I am HOWLING at this
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand