[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job