(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You Might Also Like
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.