Cauliflower: *ring ring*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning