(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in


ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle


In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.


Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.


(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet


My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.


Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks