Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.