Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

“you changed” bro i was 15

Ummm 😳

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.