[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
yeah not falling for this one
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.