[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
You Might Also Like
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th