[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.