Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.