*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.