*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.