*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.