*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
aesthetic
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
So we got a goldfish…
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.