*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad