*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!