*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”