[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.