[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
You Might Also Like
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Care for your back
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”