Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total