[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)