[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.