Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.