[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Home is where your toilet is.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad