[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.