*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.