There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Milk Cube
accurate
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.