*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I love the National Park Service.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair