*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.