Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

mumsnet is amazing