[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I have a type: disappointing
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.