Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.