Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Me too door. Me too.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.