Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Unexpected Judgment

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.