*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This meeting could have been a cake
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G