Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”