Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Still laughing at this stupid meme

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.