*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”