Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent