Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!