*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.