*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Interior designer.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.