*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m crying im so happy for them
“our sushi is very fresh”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Oh. My. God.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah