* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
sir, my pâté if you please
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
