* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”