* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*


When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames


Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless


My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.


Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.


Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.


[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots


How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?


I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”