@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

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@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@TravLeBlanc

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*