me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*