* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

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me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops


I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.


A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.


I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.


You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.


*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*