* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.