Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.