Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
