Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

W

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Goodnight 🐶

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.