shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.