shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.