Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best