Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.