Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

I have a place for everything. The floor.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.