Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
adding to the discourse
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?