Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.