Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.