Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Something Saturday.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Happy Caturday!
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.