Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

🙄

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

They did not miss in the small print

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.