Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

nature’s most graceful animal

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

this was very charming

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice