*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
an octopus is just a wet spider
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day