Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

rapatouille

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.